Everyone loves the mountains.
Well, except for people who prefer the sea.
But…they don’t really count.
Like I said, everyone loves the mountains. With all the bears, wolves, and other fun animals that can feed on your dead, forgotten corpse, who wouldn’t spend their weekend high up on a top of a pointless stone pile, freezing to death?
I know I would.
There’s nothing like a weekend in the mountains, I’ll tell you that. If you haven’t done it, drop everything and go right now.
Wait, come back. We’ve actually got it all planned out for you.
Read on. The fun’s just begun.
There is no better family activity than hiking. If you think you know (and love) your family, just throw a gigantic backpack on everyone’s shoulders (for optimal results, choose one the size of your fridge and about twice as heavy) and wander aimlessly into the forest for at least six hours.
It’s almost guaranteed you won’t be able to recognize them.
Oh, and make sure you’re lost so that you can have even more fun.
Actually, scratch that. You won’t even need to try; it’s inevitable.
The sun will soon set and you’ll be getting deeper and deeper into the dark forest.
This will slowly but surely lead you on to the second activity we’ve planned out for you.
Running (For Your Life)
Sooner or later you’ll start hearing strange noises coming out of the dark. No, that’s not little Johnny’s stomach growling because you forgot to pack an afternoon snack. That’s the sound of pure evil lurking just beyond eyeshot.
A trip to the mountains wouldn’t be complete without meeting the locals, and all the resident bears and wolves will have sensed by now that you’re lost and in need of a helping hand. Or paw. Or fangs.
I’ve read that if you’re scared by a bear, running won’t help you.
I’m sure you’ve read it too.
But it’s a bit hard to remember what you’ve read when there’s an actual bear standing in front of you.
So you’ll probably start running – which, by the way, is good for your health.
And life. Yeah, that too.
Stories by the Fire
At some point one of you will remember that bears are afraid of fire. Hopefully, you packed a lighter somewhere in that fridge-sized backpack of yours. Gather up some dry wood (Protip: avoid running into any more bears while you’re at it) and start a huge fire.
Around this time you might notice the bear isn’t following you anymore. You might also notice little Johnny’s gone missing. It’s probably for the best; his whining was getting to be a real drag.
So, now that you’re all comfortably seated around the fire, which is doing a wonderful job of protecting you from all kinds of lurking animals, it’s probably a good time to start telling each other stories.
You know, stories about forest creatures that devour you, or murderers who have chosen the forest as their hiding place and will surely notice if there are any fires nearby.
That sort of thing.
Hopefully you’ll be able to fall asleep soon.
Or not. Maybe that’s actually for the best.
Funny thing about fires: turns out it’s not hard for trees to go up in flames. As a matter of fact, they do so quite easily. So if you’re lucky, you’ll wake up still alive (and not burned or choking from smoke inhalation) and just in time to find yourself trapped in a giant, blazing ring of fire with no possible escape.
On the bright side, it’s a great way to experience a spiritual awakening and ask God to forgive your sins. Good thing my Sunday school teacher didn’t know this trick.
If you pray hard enough, maybe a helicopter will arrive to put out the fire.
If you don’t, well, this will probably be the last fun thing you ever do. (It was worth it, right?)
Chatting with Friendly Police Officers
Say you did a really good job praying, and that helicopter comes, rescues you, and puts the fire out. You’ll be whisked away, straight to the nearest police station, where numerous friendly police officers will welcome you with open arms. Make yourself at home, because they might want you to stay a while.
There is no better way to end your weekend, folks.
So, straight to the mountains with you. I’m headed there as well.
Meet you at the police station.